All day I have felt terrible – and by terrible I mean so depressed that I have been unable to get out of bed, feeling like I’m stuck in an endless void which assaults my brain with invasive thoughts – and haven’t known what to do with myself. I haven’t felt this bad in quite a long time. Since I started taking Citalopram to help with my depression and anxiety it’s really leveled me out. On days when I have felt depressed, the Citalopram cushions the blow and keeps me falling below sea level. But today, today has been really bad and I think part of it is that I’ve felt completely trapped – by my mind, by my life, by feeling like I have no one to talk to.
This no one to talk to thing isn’t technically true. I’m very lucky that right now I could make a long list of all the wonderful friends I have in my life who I could talk to and I know that list would have at least 15 names on it (if not more). I’m lucky because that’s a hell of a lot more than some people have. But something has kept me from reaching out and contacting anyone out of guilt, enforced isolation, not knowing what to say or how to begin. There’s something about contacting an individual person that feels like so much pressure, but after spending all day feeling absolutely consumed by my thoughts I knew I needed to say something. So why not here? I don’t usually ever share things like this on my blog but I feel that today I definitely need it because today I really do not feel okay.
And this not feeling okay thing is not an isolated incident. I know that it’s not just something that’s a one-off event, caused by nothing other than a little brain wobble. Instead, I know it’s definitely a symptom of many other unresolved feelings that I never talk to anyone about. Mainly this horrific depressive episode that I’ve suffered from all day is a result of feeling trapped.
With little deviation my week goes like this:
- Weekday: wake up, take the dog to the toilet, have breakfast, do chores (laundry, cleaning, tidying up) which take most of the day, maybe one day I will go to the same town centre I always go to, maybe one day I might blog, then it’s time for dinner, reading, and bed.
- Weekend: wake up, go to work where I do pretty much the same thing every single weekend, go home, eat dinner, reading, bed.
This enforced isolation and routine is something that I’ve struggled with now for years. I watch friends who seem to always have an active lifestyle with envy. Going to the cinema, seeing friends, going on holiday, game nights, hobbies, etc and I feel so separated off from the real world. I feel so trapped in my own house. I could go out during the week, there is technically nothing stopping me. But every time there is an excuse which seems so important – we don’t have enough money, I feel guilty for leaving the dog on his own, I feel guilty because it means I’ll fall behind on household chores, concern about social exhaustion… They all seem so stupid now but at the time they feel like very justified reasons. It frustrates me so much because a few years ago I used to be that social person and now I just feel so far away from everything.
There are so many things I would love to do:
- Visiting bookshops, museums, galleries, etc
- A regular game night with friends
- Training with Achilles or going to new parks
- Going to the cinema once a month
- Visiting friends
- Attending free events/lectures/etc
- Going on small holidays
Anything that doesn’t involve sitting in this same f*king room, staring at these same four walls, watching other people living there lives out there. This is the main cause of my really, really bad feelings I know. It makes me feel like such a waste of space, that it feels like my life and my time is slipping through my fingers and every single day I’m just sat here doing the exact same thing with little to no variation. I feel like I’m just not living my life but I feel so overwhelmed by everything and I feel like my life is so entangled in my partner’s life, and my dog’s life, and my household life that I don’t remember how to just go out and do things. I just feel like I’m wasting my life and it’s a f*cking horrible feeling. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I know there are so many people out there who would love to go out with me, arrange visits etc. But everytime I get so close to doing something, I chicken out and just can’t bring myself to go through with the plan and end up staying home on my own again.
I don’t think there’s much more to say about it. But those are the words that have been suffocating my brain all day. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just wanted to put them out somewhere so they don’t just live here.